Thursday, August 19, 2010
Alexithymia. @ 8:48 PM
Skipped the whole 2 periods of english today. Kena own by Mrs Sum. I just hope she doesn't do anything drastic. Ian, Vivian, get well soon :)
Changed in class twice, my PE shirt dropped to second floor, made the class laugh =.=
Chemistry was just plain awkward.
After school went mac. Got a shock. Pretended. Lied. Afraid. Confused. Flustered. Hurt. Remembered. So many emotions just ran through me.
Back to school, did DNT a while, skipped choir. Ng Mei Ling called me sia.
Cried on Nizam's shoulder on the bus back. Ha. You're weak Ariel, weak.
I still live through it everyday, knowing it's my fault. That I was the one who caused this. It's already been 7 years and I still can't let go. I'm still hoping that one day you'll go back to normal and just tell me you were faking it all these years.
You don't care when I'm upset, you probably don't even notice. Is it because I won't get mad with you? Because I keep all the anger and hurt inside and cry myself to sleep at night instead of showing my anger on you? Forget it. I'm leaving all of you fake people. At least then, I can be in control of who's hurting me.
Michelle. She dealt with this in her own way. She cut herself, and I watched sometimes, and sometimes, but not often, I did it too. She said, "At least this way, you can be in control of who hurt you." It made sense.
She said, "you'll be doing this in groups of 4." I looked around the class and realised I had no friends. Those whom I thought were my friends. I guess I wasn't theirs.
Why are you so afraid of disappointing others but so ready to disappoint me?
I really don't know what I do wrong sometimes. Friendships.
Wangzhen came, hurt me and left. It feels like the days of talking to each other till we fall asleep are so far away. We don't even talk now.
Jordan. I thought he'd be there, all the fun we had, the troubles he lent his ears to, and one day, he just stopped. Stopped talking to me.
Sijing. I really miss the days we waited for each other in whatever situation. Talking about our troubles. Animals. What we planned to do together. Everything. We barely talk now.
-
I don't understand. Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Why are all my best friendships falling apart over time? I really want to know. Maybe I was just dumb to have thought that we had an unspoken agreement that you'd never leave me. Now I'm just lost.
I don't even know why I'm alive now.
