Monday, August 23, 2010
Think Positive. @ 8:40 PM
Will post pictures soon, pardon me for my laziness -.-
SORRY FOR THE LONG POST AHEAD, You don't have to read it if you don't want to(DUH!)
Brother was being super nice to me yesterday, somehow I don't think we can find any common topics to talk about, or rather I don't think we've actually had a proper conversation at all. But somehow I can really tell he's trying, he just doesn't know how to. Also glad that he and H and okay already.
I dreamt of Ivan T. and Clarence T. and many black guys last night, LIKE WTFFF random shitz.
The dream is super retarded much.
Was very tired, kept wanting to sleep. Today then Mdm Nisa tell us tmr is geog test like wtf.
LOL LEEBOON! $1 coin XD
Went down for recess finally.
Sorry pam ):
After school lit, pretty enjoyable, Heard stuff I didn't like. Straight away went choir after that, good girl :)
I hate people who keep staring at me in choir. Like seriously, I know I skipped for a long time but I'm back alr right? I've been coming regularly for one month why still need to stare?
Anyway, Mr Toh ended choir with a really enlightening speech.
Choir, it's like seriously something I used to be very enthusiastic about. And I know why I don't like to go anymore.
Being me, obviously I don't like to work hard. But for SYF last year, it was one of the times where I really gave my best. And seriously, seeing choir drop from a Gold to a Bronze is very hard to take. Remember when we all sat in the choir room, hand in hand, anxiously waiting for the results to be announced through the loudspeaker of the phone? It was very unclear, but we made out a distinct word, 'bronze'. Immediately, Janine started crying, even though it wasn't confirmed. So did I and many other members of choir.
We cried for like hours. And Weslie, probably thinking we will kena traumatised, gave us all a piece of paper, and we had to write our feelings down. I couldn't find anything to write. No words can really express how damn horrible I felt at that moment(fuck, I'm crying as I type this -.-) So yeah, then they started what nelson kuay thing then imagine he was the plastic bag and stepped on him. Jiaying asked me if I was okay, I pretended to laugh, then my laughter just changed into sobs again. After everyone calmed down, we were asked if we wanted our results to be announced to the school, many didn't, but Benjamin volunteered to go in front of the whole school during morning assembly and tell the whole school that we've tried our best and didn't succeed, there's nothing we can do about it. Choir cried even more because his actions were just so touching.
I went home really moody, couldn't sleep and the next day I was late for school, had to stand in front whole school. Saw Benjamin walk up the stage, I already started crying. He told the whole school our results and I seriously couldn't take it, tears really began to flow like shit. Mr Tan came over, asking in a joking way what happened(why got bronze), cause he didn't realised I was crying. I really signalled for him to back off like wtfff. Cui lao shi came over and like said it's okay, cause we've really tried our best. Watching the secondary 3(2009) classes go, could see Janine and Vivien crying also.
I mean like, after that, I just stopped going choir. I was so stuck in the past such that everytime I enter, I think of syf and no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't succeed. Really depressing. So I just avoided choir, just like how I avoid my other problems. My secondary 2 report card even said I was a very enthusiatic member of choir and what not. Look at where I am in choir now. Skipped for so long, and yeah. So for those people who think I don't love choir, I do. It's just that I'm not ready to go back and be disappointed for next year's syf. Used to be like really close with Mrs Chua, Weslie, seniors of choir, now it's like totally awkward around them. Sometimes I wonder if they still remember what it was like at that moment we heard we got a bronze. I just don't want to give it my all and still get another bronze for syf next year, cause I don't know if I can take another setback like that again.
Mr toh said somethng really enlightening. He said 'You can't be the best singer. I don't expect you to be the best singer. No one can be the best singer. But I expect you to be the best possible singer than you can be'. I think this can be applied to so many other things in life. He said he's had enough of gold choirs, he doesn't need anymore golds anymore. But he wants to help us achieve a goal, cause he knows how much we want it. We want a gold. But has he ever thought of the possibility, what if we don't get a gold?
Okay, anyway, sorry for the rant. Talked to Lb, Pf. Although the misunderstanding might be cleared, but one thing for sure is, Denise and me will be in deep shit. Force is a very strong word. And we were just joking. Probably they won't understand, I can't be bothered to explain also.
Went buy bread with Lb, Rq, send Rq off and walk a few bus stops with Lb, talking. Like kept laughing, what red ants, like retarded sia she, then kept scaring her, banglas and ghost. I think I also scared -.- Chatted wither her otp till she reached her house.
Reached home just before 8pm :)
Will post pictures soon, and Goodbye Quin, We're all gonna miss you, can't believe how retarded I must have looked when I first got to know you, hah, siasuay.
If you can say bad things about her in front of me, what makes me so sure that it isn't the same for me in front of her?
Learning to let things go and take it in my stride. It's not easy but I gotta try. I shouldn't have to be so sad all the time, and I must learn to forgive other people no matter how much they've hurt me, cause I've hurt others too. Gotta stop hurting myself, gotta try, and really start to be happier, I don't want to look back next time in the future, thinking about how sucky my teenage life was. Make the best out of what is possible.
When we said the same thing, awkward. But I actually smile. Remember if it were the past we would have laughed out super loud already?
Sorry, I really don't know who to trust with so many different versions of this story.
When I hear your name, the ends of my lips turn up and I smile. I remember the good memories. Slowly, my smile disappears and I go in deep thought, cause I remembered why they didn't last.
I'm glad you told me. If I am fated to be your friend, you last resort, the only one you can go to, then it's okay. Cause it means that I get to be beside you at the very least. She might not be the best girl, but if you really like her, she's the one you want, in your eyes, maybe the the best, the most perfect. Maybe I'll never get to be that lucky girl, but you know what? Crushes can wear off, lovers can break up, but friends? Friends are forever. And whenever you need me, I'll be there.
-Laughs- Kay, I'm so bad.
