Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Lost again. @ 9:51 PM
Hello hello hello hello hello :) Heheheheh :>
I am extremely overwhelmed by fatigue now, but I'm still blogging because I love you guys<3
If you're like 'Urgh, why does she write so much!' I strongly discourage you to read this post because it is filled with many things I don't want to/will normally say. So if you're feeling lazy, don't read. You'll actually be doing me a favour.
I've been finding these few days rather troubling. I feel as though many of my old problems are coming back to haunt me. Perhaps these old problems never left, and I've just been avoiding them until there comes one day, where I can't avoid it anymore. Just everything.
I really don't know. Sometimes I just want pour it out to someone, but I just can't find the right time to do it, or I just don't know how to do it. I'm afraid of trusting people, and I'm not ashamed to admit this fact. The ones who should be ashamed are the people who made me feel this way.
I always tell myself, hey, take a leap of faith, trust someone, but I can't cause it's really hard for me sometimes. I guess this is what causes me to be distant to people, and even though I have best friends, I cannot confide fully in them. I'll just stare into space, thinking of what I should do for the next time to make everything better. It's my own problem, I can't trust. I'm tired of people leaving after I trust them with my heart. They took my heart away as well.
Okay, enough of my ranting already la, I know you all are sick of it :)
So anyway, school was such a bore, I swear I can die. Fuck everyone having holidays la LOL.
Went home immediately after school cause no one jio me out ):
Wanted to sleep but went to poly clinic to pass Medric stuff and pei him instead.
See I so nice :> Until around 5pm, and he didn't get his MC wtf.
After that we walk around, he sent me to my house, slack downstairs, omg I didn't know Medric can ____ so well please. Shock. Chatted for super long until 6.30pm
Sent him to near his house, then walk to my house, then walk to pasir ris park twice, went central, just kept walking for very long. Siao right! But fun uh :)
See I so nice :) *falls down* LOL. He was being damn retarded XD
After like one hour plus of pointless walking and chatting, his mom finally called, parted and I walked home :) Reached home before 8pm. He flew to central LOL.
Day 12, the person I hate most/caused me a lot of pain.
I don't really have like deep hatred for anyone. I hate people but not to such a huge ass extent.
Maybe only hating myself? I have no idea.
The person that has caused me a lot of pain.
Well, actually everyone has hurt me in one way or another. I'm affected by everyone.
Everyone who's reading this site has hurt me, some deeper than the others.
If I really had to choose, I guess it would be this person called X.
X is someone from my school. No he is not those guys I like or what shit that make girls just go '*sobs, he was the one who broke me the hardest! He cheated on me/took me as a substitute/raped me(LOL)/never loved me' and so on blah blah blah. Nah, it's not like that.
It's something more. Something a whole lot more, nothing to do with a BGR at all.
As I've said above, I like to avoid my problems, pretend they aren't there.
Well, this motherfucker tore off the blindfolds I kept on for all my problems. Family, friends, life, studies, money, everyone. In a way, he aggravated the situation instead.
I still remember the date, 16th July 2009, probably around 2pm to 2.45pm. I know, I remember.
He probably doesn't even know the damage he's done to me. Even though I know he means well.
He's just another problem I blindfolded myself into not seeing now.
Instead of helping me overcome them, he joined them, LOL.
Even now, when I see him, I am reminded constantly. He said he didn't want me to grow up bitter.
I already am somehow. I cried for like really long, yes, I still cry even now. What a fool. He exposed all the problems I've been hiding deep deep inside, the one I covered so well.
After causing me so much hurt, which I think he even barely noticed, he just became another one of my problems. I talk to him as though nothing is wrong now but he has no idea what goes through my mind when I see him. No one does.
I've never even told anyone about him, because I simply can't. This has been the most I've dared to even publicly state. Yeah, it just hurts a lot, even to mention it even though it's on my mind everyday.
Okay, I shall stop here because I am already in tears. Bye.
