Saturday, May 7, 2011
Who says? @ 12:46 AM
Today is a depressing day, so I went to make my lips black and took photos and I felt all better.
I know, I don't make sense at all.
I shall not elaborate why I'm feeling depressed, only I shall know :)
Totally unprepared for the exams. I really want to do well. I just don't know what else to do.
I broke down yesterday and cried myself to sleep. Nonsense only Ariel.
So hereby wishing everyone good luck. From a person who gets distracted after every 5 minutes of studying and can entertain herself by playing with her tongue in the mirror. Yup.
Finally, Day 30, My reflection in the mirror.
When I look in the mirror, I see imperfection. I really do.
Every part of me just seems so imperfect i just don't know what to do.
Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror for hours, breaking down with tears sometimes. I look into my eyes, and I can't see what I want to see - happiness.
My mind starts to fill with images of perfection. Girls with long skinny legs, light brown in colour. Beautiful hips and a flat stomach that can easily be shown at beaches. An hourglass figure. Perfect jawline, with rows of straight teeth, fair smooth skin and silky hair matched with gigantic watery eyes and long lashes. A nose bride so high and thin it seems unattainable. Don't forget the stick thin arms.
Well, that perfect girl isn't me, but I crave for her all the time. In the mirror, I cannot see who I am. I can only see who I see, I see what others see me as.
What I know about the real me doesn't matter. People judge you on your appearances, and you can do nothing to stop them.
Every time I look in the mirror, I never fail to ask myself, Dear God, why am I so huge. I am so fat I cannot even phantom when I'll ever be thin, if I ever will be. My legs are so stumpy and short. Yes, I cannot forget that in sec 1 Amos called my legs pig trotters. Laughing yet? Thanks a lot.
I see a girl dying to be pretty. It seems so impossible. Sometimes I get lost in thought, staring at the mirror, wondering how I even became this way. I don't know.
I wrote so much, I don't even know what I'm saying. What I'm trying to say is, I'm not a pretty girl. Sometimes I doubt I am even a girl, hahah. I'm so crude and all. I know no one accepts me truly but I also know it's okay, because I'm not the only one(I hope). Or maybe it's just another way of comforting myself.
I don't deny I have thought about eating disorders, nonsensical me. But don't worry, I haven't had any eating disorders yet.
I never believe it when people call me pretty or beautiful, because I feel like it's a form of sympathy for my horrendous appearances, hahah.
I still don't know what I want to say. PEEL, where's my L? Okay la, shall end, I think you all are tired anyway. In all, I just don't feel comfortable with who I see, whether physically, or beyond. I bet I'm not the only one. So girls who are prettier than me, please shut up around me, don't say you're fat and ugly to make me feel worse alright? I'm an insecure girl.
Lastly, despite everyone else not agreeing, I still believe beauty is more than skin-deep. I doubt anyone will be able to see beauty inside in this kind of society, but that's alright. I can be the only one to see true beauty then :)
Alright. It's 1am. Tomorrow will be a better day than today. I believe it.
Goodnight lovelies.
