Let me tell you a story.


My dad, growing up, he used to be really poor. Like poor. And him now, not so poor. In fact, I can say he's pretty well off. I'm the poor one, hah.


Anyway, being poor as a kid, he had to deal with quite a lot of shit. He worked really hard, I know this because he loves to brag. He had to deal with a lot of shitty people when he worked, like every one of us has at some point, while working.


But I guess he took it upon himself, and believed that, simply because others were better than he was in terms of wealth, he felt snubbed by them. Looked down upon.


But my dad now, being more well off, he's being a fucking jerk to everyone he gives money to for exchange of their service. Honestly. He's a real douchebag.


Sometimes, I feel like he loves money more than he loves anything, or anyone. Like in videos when we were kids, we were being kids, running and jumping around, and instead of videotaping, smiling and going, "Aww." he'll go, "Stop jumping around! If you break this camera, I'm going to deduct it from your bank account.". I mean. We were like, 5 years old, tops. We were just being kids. True story.


It's hard to feel love here. It's like when my elder brother learns to drive, instead of being all mighty and proud of the fact that his son can finally drive, he's like, oh fuck, all the crap and inconvenience I'm going to get when he uses my car. Yes, he makes me feel that way.


I hate going anywhere with him, because every service staff ends up hating us, and I have to apologise for everything. Behind his back.


He's immature, selfish and self-centred. Having him isn't like having a dad. It's like having a spoilt child, with all the controlling power. I know other people have so much more to deal with, broken families, handicap, and i should be thankful, blah blah. I can hear all of you criticising me already. Yes, I know, but it doesn't change the fact that I am sad because it feels like I have no dad. Like someone to looks up to. Someone to be my hero and all that stuff a dad is supposed to be.


I know he cares about me, but does he really love me? Because from what I know, love knows no logic. But for him, love is some formula, formed with need or want, then add some money, then add some other crap I really hate inside it.


I just hate how he thinks that he should be able to do whatever he wants simply because he has a bit of money now. It's rude and insensitive.


I'm really apologetic to admit, but I read my dad and mom's text messages. All they ever talk about. Money. Who's getting the food. Time. And more money. They don't have any conversation at all, and it just makes me really sad.


My dad doesn't have friends, even if he thinks he does, he doesn't. They're just there because of the old days they've been through. He doesn't feel anything at all, no loneliness, no sadness, no happiness, no nothing. It's like my dad is void of emotions. I'm afraid of turning out like that too, nonchalant.


My parents don't love each other anymore. You know. They can't talk to each other. They can't even look at each other. I'm tired of how my mom always asks me to tell my dad things, and how my dad always asks me to tell my mom things, like planning dinners and everything. I mean what the fuck. You guys are the fucking same race. You don't need any translation. Talk the fuck to each other.


It's hard to hear each parent talking about the other like they're a piece of shit. Fuck. Then just get divorced, honestly. What's the point of staying together?


I don't know where I'm going with this story, but with them, I've learnt a fucking lot.


I will never fucking make people feel worthless. Learnt from my dad.


I will never make my kids live in pieces of fuck that could actually pass off as a perfect family appearance to others.


I will let my kids know everyday, that I live them. I won't keep really bad things from them, because it sucks, I know.


I wish I could tell you everything, but the list goes on and on. The condo lies. The little brother waking up in an anxiety outbreak at 4 in the morning, breaking down. The car accident. The shoplifting incident. So much more I haven't covered. I'm just tired, you know.


Seeing how in a wreck we are, makes me know how I should never become in the future. Know what I mean?


I keep letting moments of anger and courage slip. I know I'm right, I know I can win the fight, but I'm holding back, for why? I don't have a single clue. Please, just give me some courage to snap one day, instead of keeping it all inside, because it helps no one that way.


Anyway dad. You used to love me. You used to love me the most. And even though I was always sad because mom loved him better, you were always there to even it out, because you loved me more. You made things better, you made things alright. I miss your hugs. Now? Now, I can't hope. I just do my best to cope.