Thursday, April 19, 2012
Messed up. @ 6:19 PM
I feel like shit, like a total loser. I'm having a really really hard time adapting to my poly life right now. I have no one that I know, and that I can reply on. I have absolutely no clue what to do.Everyone has gone for their CCA auditions and everything, they've even gotten their CCA, except me. I don't even know when this happened. I don't even know what class I'm in. I don't even know what the fuck I'm studying. I need help. I do.
I'm horrible at making friends. But I know that I can, and I will, be a good friend. Everyone who knows me will know that. I told myself every single day, at every single moment of the day, that I can do it, I have have to perservere and keep on going, I will find my way.
Well, I can't. Okay? I can't I can't I CAN'T. I've tried. I can't understand how the system works and I don't know who to ask for help. I don't have friends. No one just seems to care about this invisible little me.
Everyone seems to know what they're doing, except fucking, me. Everyone has someone to go to the washroom with, to eat with, to sit with, except me. Everyone can find the lecture notes except me. Everyone can get their computer configuration done smoothly except me.
I just wanted to know what I've done wrong.
Everyone has their own group, while I can sit and occupy a lecture table with 7 seats, alone. How am I supposed to continue. I don't know. Where do I know all the happenings, what should I do tomorrow? What is SW? What is CQ? Do I have them? How do I find out? I DON'T KNOW.
And my throat is hurting so badly now because I can't fucking breathe. I don't even know how that makes sense, okay?
I don't even want to be here anymore.
Home has never been a comfort for me. Everyone knows that. But now, I can't wait to get back into the house. Not even because it's a comfort, but because I feel that my life in poly is worse than how I feel at home.
I just don't know what to do. Please.
Everyone has a card to tap in their attendance WHICH IS PART OF THEIR GRADE for the lectures, I don't even have my card, and no one is helping me. I asked student services, they asked me to tell my lecturer, my lecturer doesn't fucking care. I don't know what to do.
It's a really really big school, and I don't know how such a big person like me can feel so small in it.
I'm so afraid I'll fuck this up. I've worked too hard for this, a 10 for O'levels. I never thought, or even dreamt that I would get a 10. Never. I don't want to screw things up. I want to go somewhere. I don't want to. I don't even know know what I don't want or want anymore.
I'm so scared. So scared.
I don't to take the wrong bus and get lost alone. It's not fun at all. It's terrifying.
I don't know. I don't know. What am I going to do?
I just wailed like a teenager. I've run out of tissues. Now, I'm going to cry myself to sleep, and I'm going to use the same tactic I've been using these few weeks, that is telling myself I'll feel so much better, and things will get better, even if they haven't.
What if things stay this way.
What if.
