Monday, April 30, 2012
Silver lining. @ 2:05 AM
Hey. So it's almost 2am now. I have to get up at 5am+ or 6am for school but oh well. I was watching Bridge to Terabithia the other day. It was sad, obviously.
There was this particular scene, when the father of the house, he went into Jesse and little Annabelle's room. He went to Annabelle's bed, and gave her a kiss on the forehead, saying "goodnight princess." before covering her up to the neck with her blanket. Despite Jesse being in the same room, he wasn't given any of that. And this probably happened many times.
When I watched it, I just felt so hurt for him, and I really felt something, and tears almost fell, even though it was such a small scene.
Why? Because I felt relatable. To be honest, it really sucks to be lying on your bed, seeing your parents come in, do the same things to your little sibling, and then off the lights, close the door, all the while, never seem to be acknowledging your existence. I know. This comes the part where you pretend to sleep, but peek out and see everything they're doing to their child, but not this child, not you.
Though it's such a simple thing, it really really really hurts a lot. I don't even know how to express. Judge all you like, say I should be thankful, blah. Okay? It still doesn't change the fact that I feel hurt. The end.
But that's not the point. The point is, when I see my parents, it actually teaches me to be a parent too. Not one like them, but one unlike them. I sound like such a bitch for saying this. But, yes.
Before I sleep every night, I will check on my kids, I will kiss all of them on the forehead, stroke their faces, pull up their blankets. All of them. I will check their arms, to see if they cut. I'll talk to them. I'll make sure if they're really asleep, or just pretending to sleep, and actually crying away. Bitch please I know I'm not the only one who does that.
I'll curse in front of my kids, because hey, I don't want my family to be a uncomfortable place. You're supposed to do whatever you want. If they curse in front of their friends, I would like to be their friend too then. It just makes it more comfortable, you know. You don't have to think of everything you want to say, everything. I'll just let them be themselves.
I'll admit my mistakes when I make them, and I'll say sorry to my kids. I'll never say anything to hurt my kids, or do anything to hurt my kids. I won't force them to respect me until I respect them, because as I always follow, respect is earned, not just given.
I'll hug my kids every single bloody day(oh god can't remember when I last hugged my parents), and I'll give them compliments, direct from my mouth when they do something good, or even when they don't.
I'll accept my kids for who they are. For example, if they're homosexuals, bisexuals, whatever. I'll let them know it's okay, screw other people who think it's not. If they're born handicapped, whoever fucks with them, I will fuck them up. I will tell they they are different, and that is the most wonderful thing in the world. Parents who tell kids, you'll fit in at school, blah, and make them wear 'normal' clothes, act a certain way that is not them just to fit in. No, I won't be one of them.
I'll talk to my kids about my problems, not hide it from them, ask for their advice, because it lets them know I trust them. And they'll trust me too. I'll never make use of my kids to spite my spouse, I'll never make my kids feel like a burden, feel like they're useless, worthless(ahem, dad). My kid will never be afraid of me, like really in fear and never will I make my kids feel that money>them as well.
Like, my kids will listen to Perfect by Simple Plan and know that it had nothing to do with them at all. Even if I'm not their dad, you get the drift. I'll never give up on them.
There are so many thing I want to do for them that I can't make the list, but I am just so sure of what I want to do for them, what I want them to feel.
Lastly, I'll love them. I'll love them with all of my heart, all of it. I'll love them so fucking much, more than anything in the world.
