I don't know if my friends aren't really my best friends and people that really prioritize about me and you know, do all the best friend stuff a best friend should do. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a one sided friend. I feel like I'm trying to be the best of a person and friend that I can be, putting all my friends above me, and they are doing the same, they put their friends above them too, but the problem is, the friend isn't me. They prioritize their own friends, and sometimes even though I have the title of being a better friend, it just doesn't feel that way. It's like your friend getting a girl/boyf, and their love is prioritized above your friendship even though you prioritize your friend.

I don't know if my example is clear, but this is how I feel, and it's not even a boyf/girlf that I'm being prioritized below. It's just a basic friend. And, I've really really tried to be a really good friend. It's with everyone I meet. Their other friends just always seem to be more important than I'll ever be, no matter how long we've known each other, rough times we stuck out, I can never compare. I don't know if I'm too giving, and that decreases my importance. It's easier to take me for granted you see. If I don't get mad, or have my own opinion, I always go, "I don't mind, what is better for you?" it gets me labelled as the un-losable friend. No matter what you shove into my ass, I'll take it and still be there.

But on the other hand, I never really felt like I had anyone to lean on. To be honest, the feeling of being left by a friend you thought was true really sucks. It's not any better that they make excuses. Sometimes people should just say, "Sorry, but people change.", it makes things so much more understandable, for me at least. So I don't know if people were never there for me, or if I've just never let them. I hate crying in front of people. I hate talking about my negative feelings. I hate how I never get my feelings out properly. So sometimes, I just don't know. I just know that I won't let people close enough to hurt me that much anymore, and so I didn't. I don't know if this is affecting how things work for me, but I'm laying out every option.

Then, for whichever reason, I start to blame myself. I go, "If I were pretty, people would make the effort to remain and prioritize me as a friend. If I were skinny. If I were not so awkward. If I had more confidence. If I were normal. If I this, if I that", and I become so unhappy just by being me.

Then I'm just at a loss again, as to what to do. So I just stay sad and feel sorry for myself so I feel better. It's like I can't do anything right.

All I have is this stupid blog which everyone reads and people who don't really care about me at all. Just curious people who want to know about me.