Friday, July 13, 2012
Lost. @ 2:31 PM
When I was younger, I used to believe that I would do something big in life.
And by 'something big in life', I didn't mean get rich, live in a bungalow, have a hot spouse and just live everyday doing nothing. Not the swimming in a bath tub full of money kind of 'big'. Like, I thought I'd be the one solving the poverty problem in Africa kind of big. I thought I would be the one who would help people who needed help. That was my mindset when I was younger.
I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to sing, I wanted people to hear me and feel something, feel relatable, feel happy, feel like they wanted to move their body and dance even if they look like an ostrich dancing.
I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to help people to study. I wanted to teach them ABC, even if the only people in my class were my brothers and a bunch of stuffed toys with small tables and chairs.
I wanted to be a Power Ranger. More specifically, the pink ranger.
I wanted to be a Pokemon. Charmander. So I could use my fire attacks and just have a laugh about it.
Heck, I even wanted to be a Taxi driver.
I had so many dreams. Today, I look at myself and just wonder, what happened to all that.
I remember in one of my first classes, we were told to introduce ourselves, if this course was our first choice, and what we wanted to go into, like our occupation and all that.
My whole class did it so easily. I waited for 19 people, to talk about themselves and be so sure of what they wanted to be, and even after these 19 people, when it was my turn, all I could say was, "I don't really know what I want to do when I graduate". I was so unsure, and it felt really bad, especially when everyone else already knew what they were working for. They were here for a reason, they wanted to do it for themselves, their dreams and goals, and all I was, was just that I was there in a room full of people.
So here I am, thinking about myself more clearly. I know I want to do things in life. I know. I want to have fun. I want to make a make people happy. I want to inspire people. I want to make people look at life differently. I want to make a difference in people's lives, even if it isn't big, even if it's a day to day thing, as long as I've made a difference.
But the thing is, I don't know how to go about it. In this time and age, it feels like no one can understand how to be happy anymore. It feels like no one even tries to be happy anymore. It's all full of responsibilities, rushing for everything because time never seems to be enough, and the only thing that seems to make people happy are good grades or a pay rise. I feel like I'm about to become a realistic person as well, and realistic people are never happy.
Like you know how you get an A, and your parents are 'happy'? I don't want that kind of happy. I want true happiness. That kind of happiness is so temporary, so unreliable.
I need a dream. Not only do I need one, I need a dream to make me happy. To have something to head towards. Something that has nothing to do with money. I need a simple dream. I have this friend, she's studying really hard to become a lawyer. Not because she's all about money, but because she wants to fight for her mother and help her mother. I admire that. It's a simple, and at the same time, such a noble dream.
I just need some clarity of what I have to do in the future to be happy, and it involves making other people truly happy as well.
